Bullies and Cheaters in Business
Family upbringing and school days did not prepare him to deal with business bullies and cheaters, causing business and personal stress. When self-help efforts were inadequate to cope with anxiety, he sought professional help and learned to cope with difficult personalities.
FAMILY LIFE
AR was the youngest of two children. His older sister older always doted on her younger brother but she lived away from home when he was still in elementary school, so he was essentially raised as an only child. His father grew up during the world’s economic depression so like many of his generation, he was always careful about money and a strict disciplinarian. His mother was a homemaker who intervened on his behalf with his father and was quick to laugh at her son’s jokes.
TEENAGE JOBS
During AR’s summer employments, he worked well when reporting to one boss at a time (all supportive and nice folks) in a succession of part-time jobs including lawn mowing, “beach boy” (cleaning the beach, pool, and bathrooms), construction and car driving courier. He accepted military discipline as a challenge to meet.
EARLY CAREER SUCCESS
AR self-assessed his academic skills and interests, which led away from math and science and toward dealing directly with people. Early on, he observed a few salesmen trying to be persuasive to a skeptical audience and thought he could do it better, even without much training. Perhaps through a combination of luck and the persistence of his personality, AR’s first five sales presentations were successful. His managers rewarded him with praise, so he looked forward to his first annual performance review, scheduled for a 7:00 evening meeting.
YOUTHFUL EMOTIONAL IMMATURITY
Inheriting his father’s disciplined – but perhaps overly rigid – personal philosophy that “early is on-time and on-time is late” AR arrived for the meeting at 6:45 pm. No managers were present. 7 pm came and went, as did 7:30 pm and still no managers. “How could they disrespect me like this?” wondered AR. When finally, the managers appeared at 8 pm, explaining that they had been delayed at dinner, AR was visibly upset. When questioned about his mood, AR could not restrain his tears. So now he was both embarrassed and angry at the same time.
Editor’s comment: An emotional outburst is rarely appropriate under any business circumstances. Visible anger and/or crying, when not reasonably provoked, is a sign of emotional immaturity. It is pointless for an adult to blame lack of maturity on his or her “upbringing” since it is the responsibility of the adult to calmly consider responses to situations and act to bring light, not more heat, toward resolving situations. It is not the responsibility of an employer to assist an adult toward maturity, which is solely the responsibility of the adult, who is always entitled to privately seek mentors and/or professional help to cope with stressful employment situations. Failure to develop coping skills will lead to continually “knocking heads” with co-workers plus potential physical and mental health issues and lack of career and personal satisfaction.
After AR calmed down at his year-end review meeting, the managers nonetheless offered some praise for his sales performance to date and awarded a slight increase in compensation. Thereafter, AR continued to lead sales production among his peers.
DIFFERENT PERSONAL, CORE VALUES AMONG CO-WORKERS MAY LEAD TO BUSINESS STRESS
One issue within the company’s business was the political views of the managers and co-workers. The managers and most co-workers shared the same political views but AR, always an independent thinker and somewhat stubborn if he sensed lack of respect for his view, did not share the majority’s political views. This situation created some workplace tension, especially when a senior manager advised AR that it was in AR’s business interests to share the managers’ same political views.
After several years of business apprenticeship, AR’s record of continuing business success was apparently deemed by management to not overcome his “independent” (immature?) personality so when a peer was offered a promotion to the partnership, AR was not.
AR’s response to this perceived lack of respect was to find another job within the same sales industry. By then, AR’s reputation for sales success was well known locally so his first job inquiry resulted in an immediate employment offer, which he accepted. AR’s business success continued within this smaller operation, with good camaraderie but the office was located within an urban high crime area where customers were reluctant to appear. After several years of sales success and satisfaction with all his co-workers, AR suggested to the two managing partners that they move the office to a safer location. His suggestion was declined so he tried to adapt by renting part-time space elsewhere at his own expense but that negative situation left him receptive to an offer from his friend, DP, to join DP’s current business.
(Interim epilogue: Ironically, within a few years of AR’s departure, his former urban group moved their office to the same suburban area where AR was now located with another business.)
As soon as AR joined DP’s business, DP suggested that they begin planning to leave and start their own sales business, which decision they announced nine months later.
THE BULLY
AR and DP built and expanded their new sales business over the next several years, but trouble arrived, unannounced, when DP invited his friend, MJ. to join the group. MJ was talented in business but was eventually recognized by AR and many other business partners as primarily interested in promoting his own interests and compensation. MJ began befriending DP to the exclusion of AR. As bullies often do, MJ attempted to increase his profile by criticizing AR, initially behind his back. Tensions mounted and eventually business camaraderie transitioned to civil war among the business partners, involving issues serious (e.g., compensation and adding new partners) and petty (e.g., sports tickets sharing).
SEEKING PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING HELP
Despite the daily business tension over many months, AR continued to function successfully with his sales performance but during office bickering, he was suffering physically with anxiety and panic attacks, leading to several evening trips to hospital emergency rooms for his racing heart. He lost weight and wasn’t sleeping well, despite trying to calm himself with vigorous, frequent exercise. Eventually AR realized that his “self-help” health program was not adequate, so he decided to consult a medical professional for advice. But which one: his family physician or a cardiologist or a psychologist or a psychiatrist?
AR knew a “level-headed” psychiatrist who was the father of a player on a youth team coached by AR. At their first session, the psychiatrist asked AR if he was feeling extreme anxiety because possibly AR was cheating on his wife? AR said no. Then, asked the Dr, was AR having troubles with the IRS? Again, AR said no. So, what was the problem? AR said, “I just can’t seem to cope with a few angry (jerks) in my business.” (A less polite term was used to describe them). “I want no medication since that would just be temporary relief and meds might interfere with my professional concentration.”
The psychiatrist persisted: “Why not just find another business to work with?” AR responded: “No, I need to stay and learn how to cope with difficult people because no doubt those types exist in most every business.” The dr. agreed, suggesting that they meet weekly for as long as necessary, to develop AR’s coping skills. The Dr said “Your determination to find a solution for your problems in dealing with unreasonable people is a good start. I can’t stop anyone from what you perceive to be harassment but our talking through the issues will be like turning the lights on so you can see what’s coming, be able to duck (i.e., cope) and carry on with confidence.”
Over the following months, AR worked with the counselor to appreciate his own skills and successes within his business and personal / family life. He decreased expectations of being treated as a respected friend by all co-workers. Gradually his anxiety disappeared as he realized that life can be fun and rewarding by focusing on using your personal strengths.
ABLE TO COPE WITH DIFFICULT PERSONALITIES
AR remained a partner in his business until the tensions among all the partners led to the difficult personalities leaving since they were unsuccessful in forcing AR out, either voluntarily or involuntarily. AR was glad to have persisted, now with the support of the partner friends who remained and formed with AR a new business partnership. AR continued working with this mutually respectful, smaller business group but within a year reluctantly realized that his growing clientele needed the resources of a larger business to continue to serve his customers, so he departed but remained friends with this smaller group, only requesting the return of his original investment in the partnership real estate, not the increased value demanded by MJ when he departed.
Editor’s note: When pondering whether and when to exit a business, there is a difference in career and personal satisfaction based upon whether the business departure is for positive business reasons (e.g., better compensation and/or customer support) or departing on a negative basis due to inability to cope with difficult personalities. Note that AR had sought professional help to deal with personality issues affecting his physical health so having learned coping skills, he was able to depart solely for positive business reasons.
COPING SKILLS APPLIED WITH CONFIDENCE
To his new, larger partnership, AR brought not only his extensive customer base but also offered his business experience to teach others about sales marketing while setting an example of being a respectful partner by suggesting – against his self-interest – how to assess business overhead more equitably. The next 17 years were very pleasant, as AR developed respect among his peers, to the extent that he was three times elected (never opposed) to serve on the company’s management committee. Appreciation for AR’s monetary and subjective management contributions was frequently expressed to him.
THE CHEATER
All was well until a senior manager decided to benefit himself and ignore AR’s informal compensation agreement – essentially cheating AR out of a significant amount (33%) of the (what turned out to be the final year) of annual compensation.
Rather than getting involved in expensive and time-consuming litigation or getting emotionally upset, AR calmly declined to continue dealing with such disrespect, so he confidentially inquired among several competitors about bringing his customers and his business team to their partnership. All AR’s inquiries were promptly met with positive responses, so AR was able to choose to join the business offering the best fit for himself, his customers, and his team.
BREAKING NEWS: NOT EVERYONE IS A FRIEND
Now looking back, AR offers this advice: Recognize that all co-workers will not act like good parents to protect you and help you grow as a person and within your career. Some co-workers will be solely out for themselves, at your emotional and business expense. Learn to recognize and cope early with “difficult personalities” (bullies and cheaters) while concurrently (1) pushing ahead every day to succeed at your assigned tasks and (2) earning the respect of reasonable co-workers.
CAREER AND PERSONAL SATISFACTION
Stubborn persistence can be a positive personality trait; learn to channel it toward beating your competitors, not allowing co-workers to beat (mentally) on you . Don’t be afraid to ask for help from a friend, a mentor, or a professional counselor. Career and personal satisfaction await if you persistently aim for it.
