Advice Columnist
He believes his differences from traditional advice columnists are an asset, bringing a different perspective to his readers. Also, that his life experiences – involving both success and failure – have taught him to listen to people, which is necessary to craft appropriate advice.
CHILDHOOD AND BEYOND
R. Eric Thomas (RET) grew up in Baltimore, where he lived through his mid-20s until moving to Philadelphia. He loves to explore, naming Provincetown, Rhode Island – where he was invited to travel for an artistic retreat – “as one of my favorite places on Earth. IT’s creatively generative. The air is great. When I’m there, I feel like a Victorian who has been prescribed sea air. My troubles recede. My sinuses feel wonderful. There’s so much good food, bookstores. You gotta rent a bike. Maybe get a little tatoo.”
He continued, “When I was younger, I had a lot of tattoo ideas but I was always afraid of the permanence. I’m glad I didn’t get some of those tattoos because they either represented a version of myself that I didn’t need to memorialize, or they were just terrible ideas.”
When RET was 19, he thought it would be funny to have a tattoo of two Colt .45 pistols in pink, “running around my clavicles.” (Editor – Another name for a clavicle is ‘collarbone’ – about 6” long, serving as a link between the shoulder blade and the sternum / breastbone. There are two clavicles – one on the left and one on the right. The clavicle is the only long bone in the body that lies horizontally. The location of each clavicle is palpable (can be felt by touching the outer skin) and in people with less fat in this region, the location of the bone is clearly visible.)
Ultimately, RET decided against the pistols tattoo idea, noting that he’s “not a gun person. Never shot a gun. Don’t like guns. It was an absurd, random idea. I did some writing for the TV series Better Things and mentioned this guns-on-clavicles tattoo to the creator of the show. She said “Oh, that’s going in the show!”
EARLY ADULT JOBS WERE GOOD EXPERIENCE FOR A DIFFERENT CAREER
“After completing my formal education, I was ‘doing the mid-20s aimless thing’ (different short-term jobs just to make money without thought of learning how to pursue an interesting career).
After working in the dance department at University of the Arts in Philadelphia, RET tried to perform in clubs as a stand-up comedian “but I just didn’t like it. There is, of course, an expectation that you’re going to be funny. That’s the deal. I can’t memorize a joke to save my life. I could have a great joke, but I get to the punchline and forget what I’m supposed to say.“
RET then realized that he liked talking to an audience but not having to follow a specific narrative to set up one specific punchline. Said RET, “I found that I much prefer to have an audience come into a space and have the expectation of ‘We’re going to hear stories and maybe laugh and maybe cry.’ I love to surprise them.” So, he became a storyteller before live audiences and through podcasts.
WHAT QUALIFIES SOMEONE TO PROVIDE ADVICE TO A LARGE AUDIENCE?
“Good question!” says RET. “I understand where the question is coming from, and while I may not be an expert in one subject or another, I can be a general expert. But really what it comes down to is that I am empathetic. What also qualifies me to give advice is that I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. I’ve stepped in my own sh%t.. I’ve gotten in my own way a lot and then had to learn how to get out of my own way.”
“Telling stories really changed my life. Doing live storytelling in front of a crowd, that’s how I learned about narrative and narrative propulsion, which are really useful in everything from stand-up comedy to novel writing. You learn a lot when you have to keep the interest of the audience.”
“You learn where the ‘heat’ is in the story – nobody is going to give you an opportunity to sit in front of 300 people and read your entire novel to see how they would respond. There’s not an opportunity to read your half-hour comedy pilot in front of people and get feedback. So, when you have several minutes to tell a story live, that’s where you find out what gets people. You find the heat of the story.
The stories RET told to live audiences and through his podcast provided enough material to fill his first book, Here for It (published in 2020).
ACTUAL CHALLENGE – READERS’ EXPECTATIONS OF WHO IS PROVIDING ADVICE
The advice-column business has typically been dominated by women. Specifically, White women. RET doesn’t fit either demographic, as he is a man. To add more unusual dimensions, RET is a gay Black man, married to another man who happens to be a church pastor.
Recalls RET, “When I first started the advice column, some members of the press asked me about being Black and a gay man. I thought it was an odd question which I didn’t want to answer because I’m also a person with a brain. I understand that both demographics are unusual for the advice column space, but I think it’s an asset. My demos are also just one part of what makes me human. I’m glad I get to be a full person in the column.”
INTERESTING QUESTIONS LEAD TO INTERESTING ADVICE
A woman asked about her sister-in-law who didn’t follow the cocktail attire dress code at the woman-questioner’s wedding. RET thought it was a very low-stakes question. She thought the sister-in-law had done it on purpose. But this was a wedding in a beach town, at a resort. RET’s approach was to reply: “Listen, cocktail attire doesn’t mean anything anymore. We’ve lost all that protocol. What is cocktail attire? What is business casual? The answer is everything is acceptable at this point. When you say cocktail attire, do you mean a sundress? Do you mean Bonobos? I told the writer to chill out. Her sister-in-law wore clothes that felt comfortable. Don’t take someone’s open-toed sandals as some disrespectful attack.”
“Most of the questions are either too small a problem to be this upset about, or this is so great a problem that my heart breaks. But whatever the question is, I will try to take it seriously if you’re that stressed out about it. You may be petty and small, but you actually took the time to write in to an advice column. We have these 200 words together. We will never speak again. I’m not gonna tell you you’re an idiot.”
“People love to educate me on the Bible: ‘This what Jesus would have done’. Listen, my husband has a Master’s in divinity. If I need to know about Jesus, I’ll just roll over in bed and ask my husband.”
POTENTIAL CHALLENGE – A.I. (ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE)
RET says he wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t already some published advice columnist using A.I. But, he notes, the voice of each successful advice columnist is so distinctive that you just can’t achieve it with A.I.
“You want to know what is the best restaurant with outdoor seating that is open tonight? A.I. might have the answers. But not for ‘My daughter won’t speak to my new husband, and I feel conflicted on who to side with.’ A.I. has no idea what to do with that. A.I. doesn’t understand the different ways of being human.”
CAREER SATISFACTION
For direct response to readers’ concerns, RET believes it is helpful to listen carefully to the problem(s) presented and then to develop choices for the questioner to choose among. “These are your choices. And this is what could happen. Life is not necessarily about avoiding regrets. It’s about right-sizing the decisions that we do make.”
Indirectly, RET’s empathy and reasonable responses serve to push back against any negative stereotypes involving whether a gay Black man could possibly provide good advice to those who don’t share his background.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
This career story was based on an interview with author R. Eric Thomas, published by Philadelphia Magazine within its September 2024 issue plus internet research.
